The General Of Oz
by WhatATragicComedy
Summary: Just a funny little dream mixing the Wizard of Oz with the SGC. Oh, and because I forgot to put it before the chapter, I'm not in any way associated with SG1 characters. blah blah blah and so on and so on.


"Hey guys. I had the strangest dream last night."

"Oh, hi Sam. That's nice.", said Daniel, without even looking up from his papers.

Seeing that he wasn't interested, Sam turned to the colonel. "Janet was chasing me down with a large needle and..."

"Okay. So I think I'm gonna go see what's for lunch. Anybody want anything?"

Well. Okay. So the colonel obviously wasn't interested either. Maybe Teal'c will listen to her. "So, as I was saying, Janet was coming to give me a shot when Shrodinger came out of nowhere and bit her hand."

"I think I will join you, O'Neill."

Sam sighed and gave up, deciding to go back to her lab to do some work.

"Unauthorized Offworld Activation!"

Sam rushed from her lab to see what was going on. The iris was open when she walked in and the General was yelling at Walter to close it.

"I'm sorry, sir. I can't get it to close."

Sam jumped in to help where she could, finally getting the iris to close.

After determining the location that the wormhole was activated from, General Hammond ordered a malp be sent through. The malf and UAV found nothing unusual but the General decided that he wanted SG-1 sent through. 

As they were walking up the ramp to the stargate, Sam heard the colonel humming the beat to 'We're off to see the wizard' and chuckled to herself.

"This doesn't look anything like what the malp showed us." Everything was very vibrant. Technicolor even. They were in a little village. Wait a second. They? Where was everyone else.

Sam looked down and where her P-90 had been she now held Schrodinger. And she was wearing a blue dress. 

"Oh. My. God."

"Hello, Dorothy."

Sam looked up.

"Janet?"

"Yes. You are correct. I am Janet, the Good Witch of the North."

Janet was wearing her normal doctor's jacket, but she also had a tiara on her head and held a tongue depressor in her hand.

"Janet, what on earth is going on?"

"You are in Munchkinland. And thanks to you, the Wicked Witch of the East is dead."

"How exactly did I do that?"

"When the stargate was activated, the Wicked Witch was standing right in front of it. All that remains of her are her ruby slippers."

Encouraged by Janet, the "Munchkins" came out of hiding. It was the Asguard.

"Thor?"

"Dorothy. You have saved us. For this we are eternally grateful."

At this, all the Asguard broke into song.

"Okay now I know I must be dreaming."

Sam pinched herself to wake up but nothing happened so she just decided to go along with it. While the Asguard were in the middle of a rather humorous song, the Wicked Witch of the West appeared.

"Janet??? You're green! And there's two of you!"

"I want those slippers!"

Before Sam could say anything, Good Janet had put the slippers on her feet.

Good Janet turned to Wicked Janet. "You're needles are ineffective here."

Wicked Janet glared at Sam and screamed, "I'll get you my pretty and your little cat too." With that, she whipped an infirmary curtain around her and disappeared.

"Janet, I just want to wake up and go home."

Good Janet smiled all-knowingly. "The only way to get home is to go see the General of Oz in the SGC."

"How am I supposed to get there? I see no DHD."

"Oh no. You must follow the yellow brick road to leave this place. Oh, and Dorothy? Never take off your slippers."

Sam sighed. I guess I better get on with it if I ever want to wake up, she thought.

Sam had walked quite a ways, talking to Shrodinger as she went, when she came across a field.

"Which way now?" said Sam, just because she had nothing better to say.

"That way looks swell."

Sam looked around, unsure of where the noise had come from.

"But that ways nice too."

"Colonel??"

"Heya Carter. What _are_ you wearing?"

"Speak for yourself, sir."

Jack looked down. "Carter! You made me the _scarecrow_!"

"Sorry, sir. I'm just trying to wake up."

"Very funny, Carter. Very funny. I'll get you back for this." He wagged his finger at her, hay falling out of his shirt.

"Look what you did now. I'm falling apart."

"Sorry, sir. Ya know, the scarecrow was always my favorite."

"Oh." Jack smiled, and did the little scarecrow dance from the movie which made Sam laugh.

"Care to join me, sir? I'm on my way to see the General where hopefully I'll wake up."

"Mindswell. Appears as though I need a brain...We're off to see the General, the wonderful General of..."

"Colonel!"

Jack smiled, and they continued on their way.

"Oh, look. It's a tree full of MRE's!"

"Carter, you think you could have come up with something better? Like a tree full of pizza...or beer."

"Sorry, sir. Oh look, it's Teal'c!"

Jack burst out laughing when he saw Teal'c. "He's the Tin Man. Oh that's great!"

Sam filled him full of oil. Once she was all done, Teal'c looked down at her.

"I do not find this attire amusing, Major Carter."

Sam could barely hold back her laughter. "I'm sorry, Teal'c. If you follow the Colonel and I, we should be able to find our way out of here."

A voice came from behind them. "Oh, so you think it will be that easy, do you?"

Jack screamed. "Doc! What a very big needle you have."

Sam giggled. "Wrong story, Colonel."

"Hmm. You're right. Well, what do you expect? You filled my head with hay!"

"Hello, I'm trying to be evil over here!" With that, Wicked Janet took her needle and squeezed the syringe, spraying fire at Jack.

"Ow! Ooh. Ah! Fire. Ouch." Jack rolled around on the ground. "Ha. Didn't get me so easy, did ya? Hey, where'd she go?"

"She disappeared behind the curtain again."

"Oh. Okay? Shall we then?"

Jack took Sam by one arm and Sam put her other under Teal'c's.

Jack attempted to start skipping off but was pulled back.

"I will not sing such a rediculous song, O'Neill."

"Oh, come on. Where's your love of the classics?"

"Major Carter. We appear to be entering a forest."

"Yes, Teal'c. It's part of the movie."

"Indeed."

Jack smiled. "Yes, T, full of lions and tigers and bears..."

"Oh my!" finished Sam with a laugh.

"Sa-am!"

Sam turned to look in front of them to see Daniel dressed as a lion.

"You made me the lion???"

Sam bit her lip and Jack started busting out laughing again.

"I do not understand. Are not lions seen to be formidable creatures to the Taur'i?"

"Yes, Teal'c. They are. But I'm the _cowardly_ lion!"

"Sorry, Daniel. There was nothing left. But don't worry. I don't think you're cowardly at all."

Jack was still uncontrollably laughing at this point which earned a glare from Daniel.

Cleaning off his glasses with his paw, he said, "Ya know, Jack, maybe Sam's trying to tell you something. You are the scarecrow after all?"

Jack gave Daniel a small glare and then smirked. "Yes, she is. She said I was her favorite." Then he patted Daniel on his shoulder, losing more hay. "Ah crap!"

Wicked Janet spotted the four of them walking. "Aha. So they won't take warning will they? I'll take care of them now! When I get those slippers, I will be the most powerful one in all of Oz! Mwa ha ha! I think I shall use something with poison in it. Yes! Yes! Something with poison in it, but attractive to the eye and sweet to the tongue! Jello! Jello will put them to sleep!"

"Look! There is the SGC. It's just past the sea of blue jello! Gasp! Blue jello! I LOVE blue jello."

Jack grimaced as Sam ran full speed ahead to taste some of the delectible geletan. "Why couldn't it have been red?"

"Mmmmm. It's so good. You guys should have some!"

"Sam, where were you during this part of the movie?"

"What do you mean, sir?"

"I do believe that there was a poppy field that put Dorothy to sleep, O'Neill."

"Yes, thank you Teal'c."

"Oh no. You're right. Wicked Janet knew my weakness for blue jello and used it against me! (Yawn) And now I am getting tired."

With that, she promptly passed out.

"Umm guys?"

"Yes, Daniel?"

"If she's passed out and this is her dream, shouldn't we be gone now?"

"That is a valid point, Daniel Jackson."

"So then she's not awake?" Jack guessed.

"Well, then, we have to wake her up somehow."

"Yeah, we were going to the SGC to do that remember, Danny boy?"

"No." Daniel shook his head in frustration. "I meant her Dorothy self, Jack."

"Oh. Well, how do we do that?"

"Was it not snow that awoke Dorothy in the movie, O'Neill?"

All three looked up to the clear skies above.

"Ya gotta be different, don't ya Carter?"

"She never did like that part of the movie. Always said that that was clearly impossible."

"Oh, and a talking lion is so believable."

"Better than a talking scarecrow..."

"Daniel! Will you just help me wake her up?"

Jack slapped her cheeks. No reaction. He then tried yelling, followed by ordering her as her Commanding Officer. Nothing.

"I can think of something that would cause her to rise, O'Neill."

"Yeah, what would that be?"

Teal'c whispered in Jack's ear.

"Are you out of your ever lovin' mind????"

"It will work, O'Neill."

Daniel was curious. "What did you tell him to do?"

"I mearly told O'Neill to..."

"Ah. Ah. Careful. Fine, I'll do it. But nobody hears about this. Understood?"

Both present silently agreed.

Bending down, Jack leaned in and kissed Sam smack on the lips.

Her eyes popped open and she screeched, "Colonel!"

"Sorry, Carter. It didn't look like snow."

Sam scrunched up her face in confusion as the Colonel helped her up.

(Wicked Janet) "Urg! Big needles await you O'Neill! Massively big needles! Shoes or no shoes, I can defeat you all. Woe to those who try to stop me!"

(Sam) Look. It's the SGC. It's so close now! Let's go."

At the end of the yellow brick road, they found themselves at an elevator. An SF was posted outside. Jack pushed the down button.

"Can't you read?"

"Excuse me?"

"Read. R E A D read."

"Is this the way you speak to all your commanding officers???"

The SF straightened up, not having realized his error.

"S, s, sorry, sir. The sign, it says, the button does not work. You have to knock."

"Knock on an elevator?"

"Yes, sir."

Sam shrugged and knocked.

"I'm sorry. You cannot enter."

"Why ever not?"

"You do not have security clearance."

"We are SG-1. I think that's plenty of security clearance."

(Sam) "Oh, please. I have to speak to the General of Oz at the SGC."

The SF laughed. "That's impossible. Nobody actually sees the General of Oz."

(Daniel) "Yes, we do."

(SF) "Oh. Well, you still need your security badges."

(Sam) "But Good Janet sent me all this way to see him."

(SF) "Prove it."

(Jack) "She's got the red slippers on."

(SF) "Why didn't you say so to begin with? Right this way."

With that, the elevator doors opened.

(SF) "You must get cleaned up before you can be seen by the General."

They were taken to Sam's lab which had been turned into a salon where they were all spiffied up. They all laughed looking at Daniel who now had his mane all curled.

(Daniel) "Not a word, guys. Not one word."

They were taken to the briefing room where Walter was standing just outside the General's room.

(Walter) "You may not see the General. No one may see him."

(Sam) "But Walter. I must see him. I really want to wake up."

(Walter) "He is a very busy man, Major Carter."

(Jack) "That's it. I'm done. Walter, out of the way, NOW!"

Walter obliged and SG1 barged there way in.

(Jack) "General, we need you to get us out of this mess, sir."

(General)"I'm sorry, Jack. You've gotten yourselves in it. You have to fix it. The only way I can truly help you is if you bring me Wicked Janet's needle."

[Outside the General's office and on the Way to Wicked Janet's Lair

(Jack) That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. _I_ didn't get _myself_ into anything. This is your dream, Carter and I want out!

(Sam) Just as much as I do, sir.

(Jack) I mean, what does he want her needle for anyway? That doesn't even make sense.

(Daniel) Uhh, guys. We have company.

Nurses came flying in on gigantic needles, snatching Sam right off the ground and taking off with her.

(Jack) Sam! Noo! Hey, stop that! That's my hay. Let go!"

Just as quick as they came, the nurses were gone.

(Teal'c) "O'Neill, what has happened to your body?"

(Jack) "They look off my legs. I think they are over there. I think some of my chest is over on the other side."

(Teal'c) You appear to be everywhere, O'Neill.

(Jack) Yeah, yeah, just get me back together, will ya? We have to go get Carter!

At the Witch's Lair

(Wicked Janet) What a pretty little Kitty.

(Sam) Don't you dare hurt Shrodinger.

(Wicked Janet) Give me your slippers and I'll give you the cat.

(Sam) But Good Janet told me not to.

(Wicked Janet in a mocking voice) Good Janet told me not to. What are you 10? Give me the shoes!

(Sam) NO!

(Wicked Janet) I want those shoes, Sam! They match my new red dress and I want them! If you don't give them to me, I'll...I'll throw Shrodinger out the window.

(Sam) Janet, we're underground. There are no windows.

(Wicked Janet) Fine. I'll put him to sleep.

(Sam) Gasp! You wouldn't. Fine. Fine. Take the dumb shoes.

(Wicked Janet) Urg. They won't come off. Hmm. That's right. They won't come off until you die. Well that should be easy enough. It has to be done right though. Don't want anything messy.

(Sam) Janet! How could you? We're friends!

(Wicked Janet) Enough!

With a swing of her arm, Shrodinger dropped to the floor.

(Sam) Run, Shrodinger, Run.

(Wicked Janet) Stupid cat! Fine. Look at this clock, pretty. In one hour, you will die. One hour! And then, the shoes will be MINE! Mwa ha ha!

(Sam) Aren't witches supposed to cackle?

(Wicked Janet) You're right. [Cackle cackle cackle

Jack, Daniel, and Teal'c have finally made it to the witch's lair.

(Daniel whispering) I don't see her.

Jack blows some of Daniel's mane out of his own face. "That's because that thing is taking over everything."

(Daniel) Oh, sorry.

(Teal'c) "I believe that Major Carter is not in the infirmary. It could be that Doctor Fraiser has taken her to one of the isolation rooms."

(Jack) Good thinking, T. Let's go.

(Jack) Psst. Dorothy, you in there?

(Sam) Colonel? Is that you?

(Jack) Who else calls you Dorothy?

(Sam) Well, considering, alot of people lately, sir.

(Jack) Oh, well can you get out of there?

(Sam) No. My hour's almost up too.

(Teal'c) I will assist.

With that he broke down the door to the isolation room.

(Jack) Wow. Thanks T. Come on guys, lets get out of here.

(Wicked Janet) Not so fast! Nurses, round them up. I think they're in some need for some booster shots!

(Jack) NOOOOOO! Ack! I'm burning again!

Sam ran to the sink and filled a bucket with water. She had to save the colonel.

(Wicked Janet) Don't you throw that bucket! NOOOOOOO! I'm melting. All my makeup is melting! Do you know how long it takes to put this on! Melting!

And with that, Wicked Janet ran out of the room.

(Daniel) Look. Her needle. She left it. We can take it to the General!

The four burst into the General's office once again.

(Jack) General, we got the silly needle you wanted. Now can you make Carter wake up!

(General) Okay, Major. Make your way to the Gateroom. I'll take you home myself.

(Sam) Thank you General. Thank you.

They walked down to the gate room and everyone felt they should say their goodbyes, dream or not.

(Daniel) Sam, next time, can I not be a lion?

(Sam) Sure, Daniel. Maybe next time you'll be Luke Skywalker.

(Teal'c) I would like to request being Darth Vadar in that dream, Major Carter.

(Jack) Please. You've gotta be Chewy Teal'c.

(Teal'c) And why is that, O'Neill?

(Jack) Because I'm obviously Han Solo.

(Daniel) And what, I take it Sam is Princess Leia?

(Jack) Obviously. I mean, uh, no!

Jack turned to Sam.

(Jack) That incident with the blue jello. That's between us, right?

(Sam) Yes, sir.

(Jack) Good. Now go wake up.

(Sam) Uh, guys? Where's the General?

(Daniel) Oops. I think he already left.

(Sam) What?! Now how am supposed to get home?

(Good Janet) Hello, Sam.

(Sam) Janet, I just want to wake up. Can you please wake me up?

(Good Janet) But you've had the ability to wake up yourself all along.

(Sam) I have?

(Good Janet) Of course. The slippers?

(Jack) Oh fer crying out loud! Why didn't we think of that to begin with?

With that, Sam tapped her slippers together.

"There's no place like home. There's no place like home. There's no place like home."

"CARTER!"

"Yes, sir!" Sam jerked awake at her desk.

"You're right. There is no place like home. And obviously you need to go there."

"Sorry, sir. I just was having the oddest dream. I'm fine now."

"Ah. Ah. Ah. You're going home. That's an order."

With that, Jack turned around to leave the room.

"Night, Dorothy."

Sam swore she saw just the hint of a spring in his step and caught herself holding back a giggle. If that wasn't the weirdest dream she'd ever had, she didn't know what was.


End file.
